-
2007-11-24||xx||11:08 p.m.
"I feel like I lost you like a star gets lost in life." Austin by Matt Jones. This is such a beautiful song. I wish I could write the beauty I feel when I hear this song, his voice singing the song. Apologize by One Republic is also a favorite of mine at the moment. I log onto my myspace page just to hear them. I wrote a very depressing journal entry the other night and a few nights before that I cut up my shoulders. I hadn't done that for a very long time and felt again like I might not make it through the night. I couldn't bare the thought of lying awake for hours rolling harmful thoughts around in my brain so I plugged my nose and took two hard gulps of my UV cherry vodka, laid down in my bed, cried a bit more and drifted off. The morning greeted better as I'd hoped it would. I may never be happy if I don't allow myself. Daytime I am almost fine, but when night hits I turn into things I do not want to become. It's like being a werewolf or vampire, but the only blood in which I crave for is my own. How can I let another love me if I can never love myself? I can never love myself as long as I look like this. That is the brutal truth, like or not, accept it or not. It hurts, but I will get through it as I get through every other night.